Find your WHY

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WHY.

When setting big scary goals, of any kind, you MUST have a WHY. What is a why? Well it’s that reason for digging deep. Its what you picture at the finish line that makes the completion of your goal worth all the effort. Your why must evoke emotions that stir your soul and give whatever your goal is, meaning and purpose.

I had my first child when I was 20. I gained 60 lbs with that pregnancy and more during postpartum. I did the same with my second baby and before I knew it I had spent 13 years living with Morbid Obesity.  More than a decade I lived with the feelings of helplessness, worthlessness and sadness. Consequently my children lived with a Mother in their younger years who, couldn’t run and play with them. I don’t know what they noticed, but I know I felt awful about it.

When I was 30 I was surprised to find out I was expecting another baby. I was scared. Not just about the weight gain, but also I was 10 years older than I was when I had my first and even heavier. I couldn’t imagine how I could be a Mother to this baby when I barely made it with my other two!  Having young kids is physically taxing no matter what shape you are in.

THIS is where I found my WHY. It wasn’t until baby number three was 2 though, that I really started to do something about it. From that time until now, three years have passed, 125 lbs are gone and I have thought about my WHY almost everyday of this Journey to health and wellness that continues on a daily basis.

My WHY is easy. I want to be physically and emotionally fit because of my children. I want to give them the BEST of ME. I want them to be proud of who I am, what I have done and what I will continue to do. I hope that they will find strength in my journey, so that when they need to find their own WHY, they can. 

Find your WHY, then go get that goal.....

~E

Shame

How do you talk to yourself? Do you Shame yourself? The before picture of me is very painful to look at. I can feel how awful that girl feels, I can feel the shame that she felt for being an obese person. And I have to admit that posting this picture is hard because I feel so much shame knowing that, that girl was me. However, if you watch this video of one of my favorite researchers and authors, Brene Brown you will learn why posting the picture helps me to release the shame.

Dr. Brené Brown: "Shame Is Lethal"

Shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brené Brown says shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. It's the most primitive human emotion we all feel—and the one no one wants to talk about. If left to its own devices, Dr. Brown says, shame can destroy lives. Watch as she reveals the three things shame requires to grow—and the one thing that can stop shame in its tracks.

hello? hi? remember me?

It's been 2 years since my last blog post and a lot has happened. I always knew I would pick it back up and what was supposed to be a short break turned out to be a long leave of absence. It would take a long time to catch this blog up and bring it up to date; therefore I won't do it all at once, just day by day.

In the past I have used this blog as a journal for my family, that won't change to much. I also used it for therapy, a place to vent, to write, and to reflect, that will all stay the same as well. BUT, my main focus will be on my journey to health and fitness that began many years ago and is ongoing now, and will continue to keep moving forward.

For now, I am signing out with a picture of me. On the left, I weigh approximately 260 ( not my highest weight ) and the picture on the right is of me weighing somewhere around 180 (there is even less of me now). This picture represents the last two years of my life.

~E

Alma 56: 47-48

 

This picture arrangement was put together and given to me by my Mother-In-Law. It is beautiful isn't it? From left to right: Me, My Mom Kristi, My Grandma Josephina Giuseppe Maria Natelli, My Great Grandmother Barbra Maio Natelli.

 The wording in the middle is taken from Alma 56: 47-48

"... They had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, god would deliver them. And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our Mothers knew it..."

"I have mentioned my Grandma before. She kept a very consistent journal during the latter part of her life. She has been on my mind a lot this past couple of weeks. It seems like whenever I face adversity I feel her near me. I draw upon the simple faith that she had, and passed onto my Mom. In almost every entry she speaks of her faith. Here is an example of simple faith.

"...yesterday was one of the most worthless day that I have ever spent. I didn't accomplish anything, and last night I felt so worthless that I could hardly say my prayers. While I was getting into bed the thought came to me to get my day started dedicating my first hour at least, to the Lord. I know when I do this it makes my day 100% better. Just saying my prayers in the morning is not enough, I know I must do some of the things we have been told to do. Writing in my Journal is one the things we are always told to do."  ~ Grandma 09-16-1984

The following entry made me giggle, because I can hear her saying it now, and even more funny, I can hear my Mom saying it. Grandma would roll over in her grave if she saw the junk my husband eats!

"...I'm thankful for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, and that the Lord has given us the Word of Wisdom, however, I'm disgusted with myself for buying candy and cola drinks that are also harmful. I am going to have to start praying much more and fasting to overcome these bad habits"

~ Grandma 

The following entry that I will share, I believe, is the one that I was supposed to find today. It led me to some very important information, that I will be needing.

"After I got up this morning I read a chapter in the Bible, it was the last chapter in Malachi. In the 4th, 5th and 6th Verses it says ...Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord. And he shall turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.... It makes me very sorrowful that people don't understand these versus. They are so plain and yet the majority of the people don't understand them or don't want to understand that Elijah is speaking of doing genealogy and temple work for our dead who have not received the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints. 

During this last General Conference I was reminded that there is to be a Temple in Rome, Italy. The dedication is in about 2 years. When I heard this I thought "I want to go". Later that day I saw my Mom and she said she wanted me to start saving so we could go to Rome for the temple dedication. I really think that we both had this thought from inspiration.

My Grandma is a first generation Italian American. Her Parents immigrated to the USA and had 12 or 13 kids. They came from Gioi, Salerno, Italy. As a young navy wife my grandmother who was raised devote catholic, catholic school and all... had a cute little Mormon couple as nieghbors. She admired them. They were loving and sweet. It was because of them that she became an investigator of the Church. She joined shortly after, her husband never did neither did any of her extended family. 

Before my Grandma died she did as much Temple Work as she could, but she didn't have the technology that we have now. Since her death she has had more siblings die. Today after I read my Grandma's entry about Elijah I ran a Google search on the name Natelli. Immediately I found the obituary for her sister Madeline. She died 1 year and 3 days ago. I am pretty sure she and my Grandma want her work done. This inspiration has been coming in waves during the last month or so, bit by bit, and today it all made sense. I often feel like I have little talents, and I wonder what is my purpose in life. I know now I do have a job to do. I am actually very talented at researching, I have been since I was young. I need to use my talent to find my Grandma's family and get their work done. It won't be easy, and it will for sure require a trip or two to Italy, but it is something I am going to do.

My Grandma was just one woman with great and simple faith and she has built a posterity of faithful members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Even from the other side she is still sharing the gospel and teaching it. She needs her family to carry on her work. It amazes me that one woman can build a small kingdom through faith, inspiration and obedience.

Pulmonologist.

This was my update last night on my facebook:

Today went really well. Pulmonary Dr. was very optimistic that the mass is nothing to worry about! I will just get one more scan in 6 months. he was way more concerned with my asthma, I had treatment in the office, got a script and was sent on my way smiles all around! I wish I could have the last month back, but I can't,however I learned a lot about myself and realized how blessed I am. Thanks for all the kind words, thoughts and prayers.

I have been emotionally and mentally paralyzed for a month. The relief I felt today has been nothing short of a miraculous burden lifted from my GUTS.  It has been a very lonely month, I won't lie. Wes was gone 2 weeks during all this because of work. He hated it, it was so hard for him. He was gone for my birthday so I drove myself to my C-Scan that day. Of course my Mom called me that day, and Wes, but nobody else. I prayed so hard for someone to call me to get my mind off what was happening. My Birthdays never have been easy, and I was so scared, call it superstitious but I was scared I was going to learn I was dieing on my birthday. I am so grateful for Juli, for coming to check on me so often when she knew I was too distraught to answer my phone, and to my angel cousin Hayley for calling me and helping me get a grip on my thoughts, I am thankful to Linda for messaging me and sending me her love, and her daughter Hayley for sending me thoughts of understanding, I am so grateful for Kara, who caught me after church and gave me a hug, and for Tara who watched Sophie, and of course for my family ( Mom, Dad, sisters,  and Wes' parents) for being worried and loving me, and of course Wes who did everything in his power to comfort me, and to my wonderful home teacher who showed up with Papa Murphy's one night, he and his wife have no idea how much it meant to me that night. Wes was gone on business and all I could do was pray "please help me, please help me" while trying to stay strong for my kids. I am thankful for the invaluable visit I had with my Grandparents. My Grandpa has cancer,  and I haven't seen him much at all in the last 3 years. I was prompted to go see them, and I walked away 2 hours later with an over whelming feeling of peace. He told me of great people who had faced great adversity with dignity and who were blessed. We talked about Joseph Smith in liberty Jail. We talked about how the Lord will never, ever forsake you even in the worst of circumstance. We talked about my Dad and the adversity that he has conquered. He went 17 years away from the church and has now been back for 3 and is in a Bishopric. He is a pure example of  what the Atonement of Jesus Christ is for and how beautiful it is. I walked away from their house feeling like no matter what, the Lord would do what was right, regardless of the outcome. It's always amazing to look back and see something that you thought was so horrible to begin with, prove to be such a life altering lesson. As soon as I left my Grandparents, on my 2 hour drive home I prayed. I prayed the whole way. Something powerful happened, that I compare to my moment of conversion which I will share someday. Up until that day in prayers I was praying for a miracle, please help me not to have cancer, please, please....help me to live. In the prayer while I was driving I felt a peace come over me and I really really truly submitted to the Lords will. I submitted my life to his will...it was so hard, but so peaceful at the same time. I let him take my burden, and I thought about Gethsemane and the pain he suffered personally for my pain and anguish. From that day on, I wasn't sure if I felt peace because my mass was nothing or if I felt peace because it was something, but that I would be OK. Yesterday I got my answer. 

Immediately after my appointment yesterday, I wanted my 30 days back! Today, I am grateful for all that I learned and for my ever growing testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and for yet again another personal witness that Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ know me, they know what I need to learn, they know my fears and pain and they guide me to peace. 

I didn't expect to record all this tonight, I hope it makes sense, it is all still very raw. I tired, and maybe a bit drained, but my spirit is renewed and I am ready to move on. I am blessed. ~E

Today couldn't come soon enough!

For a couple reasons today just couldn't come soon enough! I will get to that in a few. First I must mention this weekend.

It was one of my favrite weekends of the year. General Confrence! Sadly I missed saturday's 2 sessions because we had some shopping to do. Thankfully for modern technology I can download all the talks to my Ipad! I did listen to both Sunday sessions. They were wonderful. During the last message from our Prophet, President Monson, I found myself wishing for more. I love to feel so spiritually uplifted, I truley needed it this weekend.

I also found time to finish a book I have been trying to finish for over a year. I really liked it. Here is my review.


The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I really loved this book. The narration is very unique, as the Narrator is Death. Death is merely an observer of the human race; who has the job of relieving souls from their earthly life. Death tries very hard to remain emotionally neutral, however when he first meets Liesel, a 9 year old German girl in Nazi Germany, during WWII, he is captivated by her soul. He follows her through out her life intrigued by her strength and resilience during what seems like one of the darkest times this earth had up to that point seen.

This book was an emotional read. It was so real that sometimes I held my breath while reading it. It was sad, sweet and inspirational. 5 out of 5 for me.

View all my reviews

Now for today.

Today is Wes' new day in his position with Sara Lee. Forgive me, I am not quite sure what his offical title is, but I do know that he is a Key Account Manager. We have known about this change for quite a while, so we are so happy it is finally here! I am so proud of him. He has had his eyes on this positions for years. He can now check it off his list!

As for me. It has been a month since I first heard the word cancer. Today is the day I go see a specialist. Hoping for the Doc to look at the c-Scan and x-rays and say it is all nothing. Expecting him to say, not sure let's schedule more tests. I am just glad this waiting is over. Even if I don't get a definitive answer, at least I can ask some questions! I feel at peace, pretty sure Heavenly Father has been carrying me for the last month. I am indeed grateful. I have felt every prayer offered for my sake and will gladly accept more. Thanks Friends. ~E

FHE: Dinner and a Movie

Last night for Family Home Evening we took the kiddos out for Chinese food and a movie, "Diary of a Wimpy Kid."  Going out for dinner and going to movies are two of our favorite activities so it was double fun. Dinner was good and the movie was hilarious! It does have a bit of potty humor, but, if you know my family that is funny. The biggest impression that was left with me as I walked out of the theatre wasn't all of the humor or the clever story, it was the very subtle notion of having a diary.

Everyone should have a diary or a journal kids and adults alike. I remember my first diary. It was no bigger than 3x5 and it locked. My Mom started for me when I was an infant. She wrote all kinds of stories about me up until I could write myself. Then when I was 8 I got one for my baptism, I think I was pretty good at writing in it. When I turned 12 I got my last one that I can remember. I mostly only wrote in it when I was piping mad at my parents about this or that, or when friends were being mean and probably a bit about boys...mostly drama ( I was a normal teenager).

Unfortunately, I don't have any of these journals. They were all destroyed in the Tornado. Because of this I am feeling a bit of an urgency to try to remember some of those stories, so that my children and their children will have them.

My Grandma Joan started keeping a faithful journal when she was in her early 50's. When she died she left about 10 really good journals. Being able to look back and read her journals has been such a learning experience for me. She documented her conversion to the church when she was a young navy wife with a few little babies. She documented her testimony not only formally, but every single day as she talked about her prays, faith and blessings. She documented her struggles and her pains, and how the Lord never turned his back on her.

I had an exceptionally hard pregnancy with Hayden. Through out I kept a pretty extensive journal. In it I kept a good record of what happened during his birth, we both almost died. I lost the journal in the tornado, but I was blessed because I can look back in my grandma's journal to the week of the birth and she recorded a whole bunch of things about it. Things that I had forgotten. That is one of those Tender Mercies that the Lord has blessed me with.

So here I am starting over with my Journals. I plan to use this blog, 1: because it can't fly away and 2: it's convenient. Some of the memories I blog may not have any value to strangers or friends, but maybe like the entries from my Grandma's Journal about Hayden's birth, something will mean something to someone in my family when I am long gone. Consider this my first entry. Hopefully I will be diligent in my efforts and my mind will be clear so I can remember the important things. ~E

Focus.

Staying focused has got to be one of my biggest challenges. I really do have a mind that wanders away if I let it. For me, right now, I am holding to focus with a death grip.

Test.
I have 2 tests today. One on Adolescent Development and one on GPS, GIS and statistics. I need focus for the latter, because I was not at all interested in it. I have had a really hard time focusing on my school lately. However, I am so glad I am going. I am proud of myself for taking the initiative to go back, it is a priceless lesson that I am teaching my kids about getting an education, the same lesson my Mom taught me.

Today.
I spoke to one of my dearest friends this week, Hayely. She is actually one of my best friends from High school and happens to be my 1st cousin. She is one of those friends who, even with no contact for over 10 years, I can speak to as if I have every day for 10 years. She helped me with my focus. Focus to live in the present, the now. I have a tendency to get ahead of myself, and when I do so, I start panicking. So today I am enjoying this snowy day and sipping Hot Chocolate with my little Sophie.

Results.
There is a well defined non-calcified nodule present in the right lung, lower lobe. 7mm X 3mm thick. 
This is the news I got 2 weeks ago. I will see a lung doctor April 4th. Most likely he will just schedule more tests. I am trying really hard to be positive. Focus is the key. Focus on today, on my positive thoughts. Focus on my husband who is very positive and has no doubt that I am fine. Focus on being a good Mom, Focus on my blessings, Focus on the deep breath that I am taking today.


Focus, Focus...Focus.

Quick Update

Well, last week was not the bomb! Wes was away on business for 6 days, and that was not as easy as it used to be. He is just such a huge part of my happiness!! I missed him. I wrapped up my Doctor supervised diet with my GP and Psychologist, however I am not submitting my paperwork for a month at least. I am going to see a specialist for my lungs first, I would hate to have surgery before my lungs are well. That is all for now. Have a happy day!

Powerful.

I awoke to this news (with the rest of the world).

 These Photos hold such power in them. Sadly, I remember when the Tsunami hit Thailand years ago and I was amazed by the pictures that I saw, fascinated by the damage done; however, now pictures of devastation are very personal for me. These pictures are all over the news today and will be for the next few weeks; eventually the story will loose it's shock factor and the world will move on to new stories. Japan will not recover so quickly. This kind of devastation I am sure will take over a decade to mend. Not just the infrastructure, but the hearts and souls of the Japanese people will need to be healed. It's such an amazing feeling, literally helplessness sets in when you realize just how vulnerable you are as a human being, and you are forever changed. This earth we live on is much more powerful than anything that we can ever come up against. Please, if you are reading this, no matter what higher power you believe in, pray for Japan and it's people, pray to express gratitude for your safety, and don't take for granted your own stability and security's because like mine were taken away in 30 seconds almost 3 years ago, and Japans was gone in 2 minutes today, you never know when you will loose yours.

33.

I am not sure how I feel today. Honestly, a bit scared. I am having the C-Scan done on my lung today of all days, funny how that happens. If you know me very well you will know that I have terrible Birthday anxiety, I don't know why! I just pray that today I can get passed that issue by getting the results of a clean C-Scan. It would be a very nice Birthday Gift. I really dislike this life flashing before your eyes feeling, 1pm can not come fast enough. I am probably worrying about nothing, right? Funny how life can change so quickly, last week I am worrying about some petty situation and this week there is real cause for concern. Lesson learned, no more worrying about silly things, such a waste of time. WOW, who knew you gained such wisdom at 33;)

Wes is out of town on a business trip, he felt so bad. His dad gave me a nice priesthood blessing last night, I am so grateful for that. It helped me sleep. Poor Wes is really sad he isn't here. He has been extra sweet by getting me a cake Sunday, and I got roses delivered from him yesterday. I am a lucky girl.

Girls Weekend!!!

I have the privilege to go on a getaway with a bunch of other Mommies this weekend! I need it so bad, it couldn't come at a better time. Wes has been fabulous to let me go. He is assuring me he can handle getting the kiddos ready for a 9 AM baptism in the morning, he is an angel!

I am looking forward to:

Bonding time with old Friends

Moving forward with new friends

Eating Juli's delicious Navajo Tacos

Playing some fun games

Movies

Laughing, Laughing and Laughing!!

I am Truly Blessed with friends who stick by me through the good times and the not so good.

Bear Lake here we COME!!

Rollercoaster!

WOW! I feel like my head is spinning. February was crazy busy, and March is in the running to be even more busy! The fact that I got sick last week has been a bit of a shake up as well. My emotions have been up and down and up again.
    
     Just over a week ago I started having chest pain. I let it bother me for 3 days, and after it was really bad Friday night I decided I should go in to the ER. I was thinking maybe a blood clot. After the work up the DR. came in and said it was pneumonia. I shouldn't have been surprised because I have a long history of pneumonia. But I thought I was safe because I got a Pneumonia shot. Last year after the last time I had it my GP thought it was starting to get a bit suspicious, so she made an appointment for me with a lung specialist she wanted to rule out the possibility of cancer. Just the word freaked me out. I should not worry cause I don't smoke and never have been around it, but, I cleaned houses for 12 years breathing in bleach and phosphorus on a regular basis, so actually I have damaged my lungs. I was so worried, I didn't show at the appointment. I didn't want to hear bad news. That was last May. So Monday, here I was again with pneumonia and the pain seemed to be getting worse. I went into instacare and the Dr. added a few more meds. Then he told me because of my lack of symptoms, no fever, no cold or cough and increasing pain he was moved to think it could be cancer. That word "CANCER", oh the horror. He said that he would rather wait and see what the antibiotic did, because it only costs 20 bucks opposed to 1500 for the C-scan. He believed if it was cancer it could wait 3 weeks for the C-Scan. I went home and was in shock. Every time I looked at Sophie I would tear up. First thing in the morning I was at my GP's office without an appointment. My Dr. got me right in, and yes this is the one that I had a problem with a bit ago. She was fabulous. She went through everything, one thing we realized is my pneumonia was on the right side, no body ever told me this. The pain is all on the left! I have never been so happy to hear a possible diagnosis of shingles, I can handle that better than cancer. Anyway, I don't have shingles. I have a very bad muscle strain that happened in Vegas when I was carrying heavy bags while shopping! I am still going to the specialist, and the right lung will be x-rayed again in 4 weeks to make sure I am clear. If I am not I will have the C-scan. For now, I am living life with out worry. There is a set back though. I was planning on having surgery in 4 weeks (gastric bypass) it will be put on hold for a bit. I have to go into it with healthy lungs. OK, so how boring!! I applaud whom ever is still reading.

       Every day counts, who knows, just because I don't have cancer today, I could get in an accident tomorrow. Life is short, my rollercoaster ride has been a good reminder of that. I choose to make every day count as a good one, I choose good friends who build me up and eliminate drama. I choose to love my family with all my heart...and to tell them at least 10 times a day. I am so thankful for today! ~E

Spread the Word to End the Word.wmv

The r-word is offensive on so many levels, when used not only does it shows lack of depth and character, but complete disregard for the beauty of one of gods Creations. Think before you speak. ~E

Amazing.

This weeks assignment in SPED was to read the following article "Amazing" Reprinted with permission of the Helen Dwight Reid Educational Foundation, from RE:view, Volume 29, number 3, Fall, 1997, published by Heldref Publications 1319 18th St., N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036-1802. 

AMAZING...
Have you ever been called a saint? It used to happen to me regularly. Every time I was picked up by a cab at the Helen Keller National Center in Sands Point, New York, the driver would eventually say something like, "You must be a saint to work with those people. It is so amazing what they can do."
Those of you who know me will readily attest to the fact that I am no saint! Like all of us, I come to work every day and try to do the best that I can with the tools and resources available. Sometimes I manage really well; at other times nothing seems to go right. So, if I'm not a saint, does that mean that the people with disabilities with whom I work are not amazing?
The print and TV media have called Christopher Reeve a miracle because he has gotten on with his life despite his accident and severe disability. Is this just another example of the news media's quest for a story and publicity hype that surrounds stars? Maybe, but it isn't going away. Every time Chris Reeve does something that would be expected of anyone else in his profession, he is described as "amazing."
That attitude crops up even closer to home. Recently someone working in an agency that serves people who are blind commented to a professional who is deaf-blind, "I just can't understand how you are able to get up every day and do the things you do."
What generates this attitude of amazement? Why shouldn't people who are deaf-blind or who have other severe disabilities do the things that we take for granted in everyone else? Why is it amazing that they get up and go to work every day? Why is it amazing that they can use a cab? Why is it amazing that they fall in love and get married? Why is it amazing that they go to school and get an education? Those things are not just expected, but assumed, of everyone.
Are individuals with deaf-blindness and other disabilities somehow lesser people? To some degree this amazement is everywhere. It comes from an attitude that these people are unlike us and limited in their abilities; therefore, it is okay to expect less of them. Indeed we should expect less from them.
It is time for us not only to stop expecting less from people with disabilities, but to stop rewarding them for doing what everyone is expected to do as a full member of society. Let's not give them just the right to an accessible voting place but also the responsibility to go and vote.
How can our services help people with disabilities if our personal expectations are that only the amazing among our clients and students will be able to do what we take for granted in people without disabilities? In a way it is amazing that people with disabilities ever overcome those beliefs about themselves.
We need to eradicate that attitude from our profession and also to set the world straight. Expect people with disabilities to do. Expect them to use your cab, rent your apartment, come into your store. Be prepared to accommodate them just as you would any good customer.
We should save our amazement for something really appropriate. We need to look at people with disabilities as being basically like everyone else. Yes, sometimes they need our help, but most of us could use help from time to time. Underneath their infinite variety, human beings are the same with the same needs, desires, and dreams. If we truly see the value in all people, we will cease to be amazed when they show their individual worth.

 My reply:

Amazing

In the article “Amazing” the author takes a very interesting opinion. She states “If we truly see the value in all people, we will cease to be amazed when they show their individual worth.”

This is a very bold statement. One that, I really have a strong inclination to disagree with.  The Webster dictionary’s definition of “amazed” is as follows:

: to fill with wonder

The word “amazed” to me is just another word for inspiring.  Let’s face it this world we live in is cold, and unresponsive, you could even say desensitized. In my opinion that desensitized attitude of our culture contributes to a hostile environment for pwd’s. Why in the world would we want to cut out the feeling of inspiration we get when we see a person who against the odds (because of the world we live in) does something admirable, or amazing.

Being a pwd, I look for amazing people to inspire me, to give me courage. My mental illness makes it hard for me to go out in public, while this is expected of pwod, putting the same expectation on me is very stressful. Not to say that I don’t go shopping, or go out to eat or other things, it just takes a bit more for me to go out, I have to ready myself mentally. When I go to the store, or out to run errands, it is “amazing” to me and I feel accomplishment. What is so wrong with that? What is wrong with being amazed with people who work with pwd’s, it is just another job, but, it is not one that people are running out to do. In fact SPED teachers are in high demand, what is not amazing about the job. I am also amazed by people who choose to get Doctorate Degrees…so what, it’s nice to be inspired.

I feel the author of this article has bought into the coldness of society, and is making a terrible judgment on people who are inspiring or being inspired.

 
Please share your opinions. ~E
 

Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?

The "H" word

This week in my SPED 1010 class one of my assignments was to read the following article then post a respose to how I felt about the position taken. It is a great article, which I think everyone should read if they want to be more socially aware of the words they choose.


http://www.thenthdegree.com/hword.asp

My response:

Being completely truthful, I didn't know that the "H" word was not an acceptable word. I read the article 4 times because I thought it was written so truthfully.I appreciate the authors opinion and the differences pointed out between the words.

I am not physically disabled, I am obese and because of that I have been handicap at certain times. For instance when I go to fly on a plane, the seat belt doesn't fit, or when I go to ride certain amusement rides, I weigh too much, or when I can't fit in a booth at a restaurant. I have also self imposed some handicaps on myself, like I never go swimming because I would have to put on a bathing suit.

To me there is a huge difference in the words, and actually I am not in love with either word. Frankly, I really don't like any word that is used to describe a person whether it is disabled, handicap, short or fat. Those words don't come close to defining a person. I like how the author put a person is a Teacher, Athlete, or in my opinion a Mother, a Scientist, a student....define a person by what they do , how they act, their abilities not by their appearance or condition.

Three Little Girls.....Sisters, Companions, Gaurdians and Forever Friends.

I have a friend who has 3 sisters. One of the Sisters is lost. I don't know the all of the circumstance, but, I do know that the missing sister is battling serious addiction and has lost everything. As I communicate with and observe the other 3 sisters, my heart breaks for them, as they beg and plead for her safety through prayer, and they plead with her to come home on Facebook, not really knowing if she ever checks her Facebook.

I was thinking about it today, and of how painful it would be to loose one of my Sisters in a similar way. My relationship with my two little sisters is so unique. Only they know exactly what life was like growing up with the struggles we did, only they know the pains and happiness of our childhood the way I do. Only my sisters can love my children almost as much as I do, and I theirs. Sisters are a gift that I treasure dearly.

This is me and my family. Mom, Dad, Me in the back, Amber on the Left and Nat on the right. This picture survived the tornado, no unscathed, but still beautiful.

When ever I hear this song, it reminds me of my sisters. Love you Amber and Nat.

Winding Down

February is winding down. I can't believe how fast time goes by, rather scary! So, here is a quick wrap-up for the month.

• New Beginnings:

Every time I am invited to speak about my tornado experience, I always say this is the last time! However, every time I am asked, I feel a deep confirmation in my soul that my experience is unique and was not just for me, it was for me to share and hopefully touch others with the miracles I witnessed. That said, it still scares me to death. Earlier this month I was blessed with the opportunity to share again with a Lewiston Ward for their Young Woman's New Beginnings. You would think that after doing it 8 times I would be a pro and have it all memorized. This is not the case though. I thought I had it all planned out, but 3 hours before I had a strong impression to start over, I was FRAZZLED, to say the least. I rewrote everything, and used completely different conference talks than I usually use. Everything went really well. I am not sure still why I needed to switch it up, but I am sure it was the right thing to do.

• Valentines/Las Vegas

Wes and I celebrated Valentines a week late this year. We decided to take a 5 day trip to Vegas, by ourselves! We had a great time. We laughed the whole time. We didn't have to worry about the kids because we knew they were in good hands, and they called us every 15 minutes the whole trip....last time we leave Hayden and Gracie each with a cell phone. While we were down there we went to several different hotels and walked around. We stayed at the Aria Hotel. It is right at the center of the strip and beautifully modern. Everything in our room was controlled by one remote. When we entered the room the drapes automatically opened. Very high tech. It was nice to be pampered for a few days.

• School

Is still going! I am taking 9 credits. Rehab 1010, FCHD 1500 (Human Development over the Lifespan), and Life Science (USU1350?). I have been doing really well, I love all of my classes. I think going back to school has been one of my best decisions...ever, really. Besides marrying Wes, it is the number one life changing decision that I know I will never regret.

• Diet/Health.

I am done with the supervised diet around March 7th. This doesn't mean I will stop weight watchers or anything. It just means I will be sending my paperwork for my bypass surgery in on March 9th (my birthday) I am at peace with what ever happens. I have done all I can do, if they reject it I am not sure if I will pursue it, I will still have the option to appeal. I have tremendous faith in my Heavenly Father, I know he will not abandon me and he knows what is best for me. I am so grateful for this knowledge. I pray daily, and I am adding a special fast to the cause over the next couple of Sundays. I know I will be blessed either way.

• March

Will be here before we know it! I am looking forward to a girls weekend. It's always fun to play. My birthday is on the 9th, Wes will be on a snowmobiling trip for work that whole week so we will be celebrating early. Then the following week he will be on a golf trip for a week, for work; so I am not sure I will see him the whole month. When he is home he will probably be tied up with High Council duties. I am so glad we got away this month. I will miss him, no matter how I feel he always makes me laugh. He is my best friend and a rock star to boot.

No. Anything but that word.

I went to see my GP for my monthly Medical Diet Check-in. One of the last things we talked about was my worsening Diabetes. I told her I was surprised that it was all the sudden going down hill so quickly. Her response was this:

Well, You're Fat.

Duh, really? The whole phrase hit me like a Mac Truck. It hurt. Especially because she knows my situation, she knows I am doing everything in my power to fight this disease called obesity. That's what it is you know, a chronic illness, that may eventually take my life.

I am not FAT.

I am smart.
I am sensitive.
I am shy.
I am spiritual.

I suffer from obesity. You don't tell a cancer patient they are cancer. You don't tell a person with a learning disability they are dumb. What we look like or what conditions we have does not in any way define what we ARE.

She knew she said something WRONG, because the tears just flowed. She apologized. She FELT bad. Next time she WILL think twice.

• I am still really emotional. I hope the tears will go away soon.