Today is for sure Tooties hardest day and it's only 10 am. Her throat hurts but also her ears. I hate when my kids cry and are miserable, it's so hard to watch. To think I was hoping she would be able to go to school today....What was I thinking?!?
So it's raining today, I enjoy the rain occasionally, for some reason I feel like life slows down a few paces on a rainy day. Today I am just hoping to get the dishes done and get Minestrone soup made for dinner. At the moment Tootsie is sitting above me practicing her hair braiding skills on my head, good thing I have a tough head!
My very first post I alluded to taking my blog in a different direction, I am still planning this, sort of. Let me explain, Most of you who know me, know that I have struggled with my weight for the last 10 years. I have tried many things, gotten my hopes up about finding answers only to have my heart broken. My biggest fear in life is that I will never stop gaining. I have always said I wish my problem was that I ate a lot, or that I don't exercise, because if they were I feel like I would be in control of the situation. I have talked about this with a few people, and really it doesn't help. Even some of the closest people to me just don't get it. I had someone tell me I was big boned....which is not true, I actually am very small in bone structure. I have been pretty average sized my whole life up until I had Hayden. I had major complications with Hayden, my kidneys shut down, my liver shut down, I gained the bulk of my weight the last 3 months of the pregnancy. None of this helped with things, but, I also believe most of my trouble is coming from my own mind...I come from a family of beautiful people, My Mom, Dad, sisters, grandparents aunts uncles cousins. I don't think there are any obese genes for many generations back. I grew up average as I said, but not tiny, like most in my family. My mom weighed like 105 pregnant with me. I always felt to big, in reality I was being way too hard on myself. In High School and even Middle School I could go days with only having 1 bagel a day to eat. My parents were both very weight conscious, my mom tried every wonder diet out there so she could go from 135 pounds to 115. Also another person who was very close to me was always very prejudice and and derogatory toward Fat women. So even at a very young age I was self conscious and did not want to ever turn out Fat. In my mind it was my biggest fear, and I believe Fear is poison to the mind, body and spirit. I also believe that being a pretty girl growing up hurt me. Boys and Girls were so mean to me, to this day I still get sick when I think of how mean girls can be and were. I also got way to much attention from older boys and men. I couldn't go anywhere without being eyed down, stared at, or even I would have gross gestures made at me. I felt dirty and gross. So many times growing up I just wanted to be invisible....I truly think that my sub concence mind has made that happen, made it a reality. There is something about being fat that protects me, makes me feel safe.
I have been thinking long and hard. I have prayed many hours, and I believe the answer to my weight issues are here in my head somewhere. I believe that only i have the ability to fix it, this is why I am doing it now, through blogging. I struggled with keeping my blog open to whoever, but, you know what....there could be someone out there just like me who has or is going through a similar trial. It's not just about weight, the weight is just a bi-product of my thinking, it could be something completely different for someone else. The point is if I can help someone while helping myself, all the better.
Here are my goals:
Let go of my fears
love who I am
forgive myself and others
remove negative with positive
don't ever give up
Physical goals:
I am not putting a weight goal, I just want to be able to feel good about myself.
I will keep my diet in check, 2 carbs bf and lunch 5 carbs at dinner. No eating after 7.
I will exercise 6x a week, rotating many different workouts for variety.
I will use my blog as an outlet, ups, downs, triumphs, and falls. For those that read my blog to keep up on my Fam, I will still post that stuff too. I will somehow figure out how to differentiate my posts. So you can only read what you are interested in.
I know that there will be and are those out there who are judging me, I pray your heart will be softened.
Enough for now ~E
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." — Eleanor Roosevelt
3 comments:
You have my total support. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Mind games with yourself are hard to over come but it can happen!!!
Iknow you can do it. There is a really good book Katy gave me called You can heal your life, by Louise H. hays i think, you might be interested in reading it. Love ya, nat
Hi Erin,
This made me so sad to read. I understand the whole "in my head" thing, I have to battle it myself in certain areas of life, and it is really hard and can take such a toll. I read a book called My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor, it's about her stroke she had and her recovery. She talks about being happy and how sometimes she just has to tell the chatter going on in her head to "shut up" so she can have some piece and be happy. I loved that advice, easier said than done, but good advice.
On another note, I'm going to share this with you. So going back a ways to 5th grade, I've always thought you were so pretty, I remember wanting to be like you. I still thought the same thing when we were in High School and working together at the sub shop. You have always been so friendly and so nice. I'm not trying to be cheesey, I just want you to know that you are a great person and that I'm glad that we were friends. And you are one of the beautiful people!
Kim Marx
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