Pulmonologist.

This was my update last night on my facebook:

Today went really well. Pulmonary Dr. was very optimistic that the mass is nothing to worry about! I will just get one more scan in 6 months. he was way more concerned with my asthma, I had treatment in the office, got a script and was sent on my way smiles all around! I wish I could have the last month back, but I can't,however I learned a lot about myself and realized how blessed I am. Thanks for all the kind words, thoughts and prayers.

I have been emotionally and mentally paralyzed for a month. The relief I felt today has been nothing short of a miraculous burden lifted from my GUTS.  It has been a very lonely month, I won't lie. Wes was gone 2 weeks during all this because of work. He hated it, it was so hard for him. He was gone for my birthday so I drove myself to my C-Scan that day. Of course my Mom called me that day, and Wes, but nobody else. I prayed so hard for someone to call me to get my mind off what was happening. My Birthdays never have been easy, and I was so scared, call it superstitious but I was scared I was going to learn I was dieing on my birthday. I am so grateful for Juli, for coming to check on me so often when she knew I was too distraught to answer my phone, and to my angel cousin Hayley for calling me and helping me get a grip on my thoughts, I am thankful to Linda for messaging me and sending me her love, and her daughter Hayley for sending me thoughts of understanding, I am so grateful for Kara, who caught me after church and gave me a hug, and for Tara who watched Sophie, and of course for my family ( Mom, Dad, sisters,  and Wes' parents) for being worried and loving me, and of course Wes who did everything in his power to comfort me, and to my wonderful home teacher who showed up with Papa Murphy's one night, he and his wife have no idea how much it meant to me that night. Wes was gone on business and all I could do was pray "please help me, please help me" while trying to stay strong for my kids. I am thankful for the invaluable visit I had with my Grandparents. My Grandpa has cancer,  and I haven't seen him much at all in the last 3 years. I was prompted to go see them, and I walked away 2 hours later with an over whelming feeling of peace. He told me of great people who had faced great adversity with dignity and who were blessed. We talked about Joseph Smith in liberty Jail. We talked about how the Lord will never, ever forsake you even in the worst of circumstance. We talked about my Dad and the adversity that he has conquered. He went 17 years away from the church and has now been back for 3 and is in a Bishopric. He is a pure example of  what the Atonement of Jesus Christ is for and how beautiful it is. I walked away from their house feeling like no matter what, the Lord would do what was right, regardless of the outcome. It's always amazing to look back and see something that you thought was so horrible to begin with, prove to be such a life altering lesson. As soon as I left my Grandparents, on my 2 hour drive home I prayed. I prayed the whole way. Something powerful happened, that I compare to my moment of conversion which I will share someday. Up until that day in prayers I was praying for a miracle, please help me not to have cancer, please, please....help me to live. In the prayer while I was driving I felt a peace come over me and I really really truly submitted to the Lords will. I submitted my life to his will...it was so hard, but so peaceful at the same time. I let him take my burden, and I thought about Gethsemane and the pain he suffered personally for my pain and anguish. From that day on, I wasn't sure if I felt peace because my mass was nothing or if I felt peace because it was something, but that I would be OK. Yesterday I got my answer. 

Immediately after my appointment yesterday, I wanted my 30 days back! Today, I am grateful for all that I learned and for my ever growing testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and for yet again another personal witness that Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ know me, they know what I need to learn, they know my fears and pain and they guide me to peace. 

I didn't expect to record all this tonight, I hope it makes sense, it is all still very raw. I tired, and maybe a bit drained, but my spirit is renewed and I am ready to move on. I am blessed. ~E