Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?

The "H" word

This week in my SPED 1010 class one of my assignments was to read the following article then post a respose to how I felt about the position taken. It is a great article, which I think everyone should read if they want to be more socially aware of the words they choose.


http://www.thenthdegree.com/hword.asp

My response:

Being completely truthful, I didn't know that the "H" word was not an acceptable word. I read the article 4 times because I thought it was written so truthfully.I appreciate the authors opinion and the differences pointed out between the words.

I am not physically disabled, I am obese and because of that I have been handicap at certain times. For instance when I go to fly on a plane, the seat belt doesn't fit, or when I go to ride certain amusement rides, I weigh too much, or when I can't fit in a booth at a restaurant. I have also self imposed some handicaps on myself, like I never go swimming because I would have to put on a bathing suit.

To me there is a huge difference in the words, and actually I am not in love with either word. Frankly, I really don't like any word that is used to describe a person whether it is disabled, handicap, short or fat. Those words don't come close to defining a person. I like how the author put a person is a Teacher, Athlete, or in my opinion a Mother, a Scientist, a student....define a person by what they do , how they act, their abilities not by their appearance or condition.

Three Little Girls.....Sisters, Companions, Gaurdians and Forever Friends.

I have a friend who has 3 sisters. One of the Sisters is lost. I don't know the all of the circumstance, but, I do know that the missing sister is battling serious addiction and has lost everything. As I communicate with and observe the other 3 sisters, my heart breaks for them, as they beg and plead for her safety through prayer, and they plead with her to come home on Facebook, not really knowing if she ever checks her Facebook.

I was thinking about it today, and of how painful it would be to loose one of my Sisters in a similar way. My relationship with my two little sisters is so unique. Only they know exactly what life was like growing up with the struggles we did, only they know the pains and happiness of our childhood the way I do. Only my sisters can love my children almost as much as I do, and I theirs. Sisters are a gift that I treasure dearly.

This is me and my family. Mom, Dad, Me in the back, Amber on the Left and Nat on the right. This picture survived the tornado, no unscathed, but still beautiful.

When ever I hear this song, it reminds me of my sisters. Love you Amber and Nat.

Winding Down

February is winding down. I can't believe how fast time goes by, rather scary! So, here is a quick wrap-up for the month.

• New Beginnings:

Every time I am invited to speak about my tornado experience, I always say this is the last time! However, every time I am asked, I feel a deep confirmation in my soul that my experience is unique and was not just for me, it was for me to share and hopefully touch others with the miracles I witnessed. That said, it still scares me to death. Earlier this month I was blessed with the opportunity to share again with a Lewiston Ward for their Young Woman's New Beginnings. You would think that after doing it 8 times I would be a pro and have it all memorized. This is not the case though. I thought I had it all planned out, but 3 hours before I had a strong impression to start over, I was FRAZZLED, to say the least. I rewrote everything, and used completely different conference talks than I usually use. Everything went really well. I am not sure still why I needed to switch it up, but I am sure it was the right thing to do.

• Valentines/Las Vegas

Wes and I celebrated Valentines a week late this year. We decided to take a 5 day trip to Vegas, by ourselves! We had a great time. We laughed the whole time. We didn't have to worry about the kids because we knew they were in good hands, and they called us every 15 minutes the whole trip....last time we leave Hayden and Gracie each with a cell phone. While we were down there we went to several different hotels and walked around. We stayed at the Aria Hotel. It is right at the center of the strip and beautifully modern. Everything in our room was controlled by one remote. When we entered the room the drapes automatically opened. Very high tech. It was nice to be pampered for a few days.

• School

Is still going! I am taking 9 credits. Rehab 1010, FCHD 1500 (Human Development over the Lifespan), and Life Science (USU1350?). I have been doing really well, I love all of my classes. I think going back to school has been one of my best decisions...ever, really. Besides marrying Wes, it is the number one life changing decision that I know I will never regret.

• Diet/Health.

I am done with the supervised diet around March 7th. This doesn't mean I will stop weight watchers or anything. It just means I will be sending my paperwork for my bypass surgery in on March 9th (my birthday) I am at peace with what ever happens. I have done all I can do, if they reject it I am not sure if I will pursue it, I will still have the option to appeal. I have tremendous faith in my Heavenly Father, I know he will not abandon me and he knows what is best for me. I am so grateful for this knowledge. I pray daily, and I am adding a special fast to the cause over the next couple of Sundays. I know I will be blessed either way.

• March

Will be here before we know it! I am looking forward to a girls weekend. It's always fun to play. My birthday is on the 9th, Wes will be on a snowmobiling trip for work that whole week so we will be celebrating early. Then the following week he will be on a golf trip for a week, for work; so I am not sure I will see him the whole month. When he is home he will probably be tied up with High Council duties. I am so glad we got away this month. I will miss him, no matter how I feel he always makes me laugh. He is my best friend and a rock star to boot.

No. Anything but that word.

I went to see my GP for my monthly Medical Diet Check-in. One of the last things we talked about was my worsening Diabetes. I told her I was surprised that it was all the sudden going down hill so quickly. Her response was this:

Well, You're Fat.

Duh, really? The whole phrase hit me like a Mac Truck. It hurt. Especially because she knows my situation, she knows I am doing everything in my power to fight this disease called obesity. That's what it is you know, a chronic illness, that may eventually take my life.

I am not FAT.

I am smart.
I am sensitive.
I am shy.
I am spiritual.

I suffer from obesity. You don't tell a cancer patient they are cancer. You don't tell a person with a learning disability they are dumb. What we look like or what conditions we have does not in any way define what we ARE.

She knew she said something WRONG, because the tears just flowed. She apologized. She FELT bad. Next time she WILL think twice.

• I am still really emotional. I hope the tears will go away soon.

Took the Plunge

Really I did. I finally went to water aerobics to see how my feet would do. Sadly they hurt just as bad as with any other workout; however, it was so fun. I loved it. My good friend Juli had pity on me and came too, and she made it really fun. I have been a bit stressed out because curves in our town is closing. So, I need to find another exercise option that won't be hard on my feet.

A quick side note for those who don't know about my feet. I have  Chronic Plantar Fasciitis. I have had it for about 9 years. Because I ignored it for 8 years and kept exercising and running it has just about rendered me crippled. I also have complications of stress fractures in my feet and ankles, and some of those have actually broken. I have some big orthopedic boots to wear, but they really slow me down. If the Dr. had his wish I would be in a wheel chair. I am actually legally disabled. Sucks. The cause of this is an array of bad physical luck. Of course I am overweight. When the Dr. looks at my bone structure he says it is tiny, so the weight is crushing my feet, because my ligaments in my feet are weak so there is nothing to protect my bones from crushing. Also, I have a flat arch and have not worn the right supports my whole life so without support my ankles are weak. Hayden and Sophie both have my feet, so I am trying to take steps to make sure they have the right shoes and most likely they will always need orthodic support. That was a much longer side note...sorry. But, all these factors are why I am so urgently, desperately trying to get the weight loss surgery. I am going back to my podiatrist next week, and I may be walking out with a cane....excuse my language but it really is the shits. I can't do much, so I am hiring a housekeeper to try and alleviate some of my stress. I have to pick and choose what I do physically, and I need to exercise to save my life rather than clean. Enough said.




 

My thoughts for  today are:

Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.  ~M. Kathleen Casey 

If you're going through hell, keep going.  ~Winston Churchill 

Gracie playing some B-Ball

Forgivness is...

Something that is a part of our everyday lives, whether it's you giving it, or you receiving it. This video inspires me every time I watch it. Please take 8 minutes to watch it.

On My Mind

Facebook: It can be a total waste of time; however, today I am so thankful for a connection I have made with a family of girls that used to babysit myself and my sisters when we lived in New Mexico. It has been such an amazing thing to get reacquainted with them again. Sadly they are going through some hard times and have asked for prayers today. As I thought and pondered what I could do for them being so far away, I realized I could help. I called a list of names into several LDS Temples to have them added to the Prayer Rolls. I am so grateful for technology that allows me to act quickly and be of some help even when I am not right there.

Things To Look Forward To: There are several! In a week I have the privelage to go speak to a Young Womens group for their New Begginings Program. I am super excited, although it scares me to death. I realize that Heavenly Father expects me to share my unique testimony.

In 2 weeks, Wes and I are headed to Vegas. Now, I really don't love Vegas, but his favorite band is playing so we must go see them. I think we will take in a show, if we can find a clean one. All suggestions are welcome.

Gracie has a basketball game today!! They are so fun to go to!

Weight Watchers: I went this morning, it was not easy! I wanted to sleep, and of course everyone slept in, which made it harder to get up. I went, and I am glad. I stayed the same weight to the ounce. Which sucked for 5 seconds, then I just move on.

Diabetes: It is such an ugly thing. So, I have been on this strict diet for months. You would think my health would be getting better. Unfortunately, new blood work and symptoms are proving other wise. Kind of a hard hit for me. I believe I will be on insulin with-in the next month. I was on 2 different insulin meds 6 times a day while pregnant with Sophie, so it won't be anything new. I am just sad my pancreas is taking a down turn. At least I can seek treatment and there are more options.

My Chores: I better get to it! Have a good weekend.~E

Therapy

I went to my psychologist this week. He had given me an assignment to journal 10 things that I like to do to decompress, and 10 things I dislike doing. My list is as follows:

Like To Do-

1. Read- anything, news, fiction, non-fiction, blogs...phonebooks, ;)
2. Exercise- not something I can do real easily with broken feet, but I improvise. I meditate and imagine myself running a marathon. I know I will someday.
3. Cook
4. Decorate- as long as conditions are right, the house is clean and peaceful, so my creative juices can flow.
5. Blog
6. Take a nice hot bath in my jetted tub, with a good book of course.
7. Go to the Movies with Wes- If you have ever seen the movie Date Night, Wes and I are the couple that is played by Tina Fey and Steve Carell, we love to watch people and roll play their conversations
8. I like to take naps with Gracie by my side.
9. I like to watch old TV shows on my Ipod or pad with headphones on snuggled up in my bed.
10. I like going to lunch.

Dislikes-

1. Talking on the phone- hate it! I have never liked the phone, ever just ask my mother.
2. Baking, I am really good at it, the problem is that I am really good at it and usually one bite is never enough.
3. Cleaning
4. Shopping- any kind
5. watching movies twice
6. paying bills
7. taking tests
8. mushrooms
9. fair-weather friends
10. Pride

As I was going through my list with the DR. he noticed that on some of the items I would giggle nervously and apologize for liking or disliking. That turned out to be the topic of the conversation for the day.

He feels like I lack in self -confidence, which I totally see, as soon as he points it out to me. And after one thing led to another we established that I have a major trust issue with the whole world. It's a pretty hard thing to have to face. I even have trouble trusting myself. We went through some of my issues that I have had through out my life. Unfortunatly the last 3 years have been pretty hard for me. Wes loosing a job he loved, loosing a house I had dreamt about, being hurt deeply by a few friends, and now fighting with yet another insurance company...

It has also been established through therapy that I am a narcissist, I tend to only see the bad. Or magnify the bad.

Although the session was very hard for me, I am thankful for the progress that I made. I have to also mention that I am grateful again for tender mercies. The night before my session I decided on a whim that I was going to start memorizing the scripture mastery scriptures from seminary. The first set I turned to was Proverbs 3:5-6

‎5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

These 2 scriptures helped prepare me for a very hard reality check that was about to occur the next morning. I have no doubt that I was prompted to read them and ponder them that night. 

Life is no easy feat, but, if you look hard enough it is blessed with tender mercies along the way. ~E

Supervised Diet

Diet is still going. I have lost 7 lbs this month, which is fine. I really like the new Weight watchers program. I don't have a problem keeping my food at or under the points value, I just have to avoid bread and sugar and it's pretty simple. I never use my exercise point or my weekly allowance. I went to my GP and she doesn't think I eat enough, and it really bothered her that I am so over weight and eat less than your average Joe. Oh well, bad thyroid, diabetes and what ever else can make it hard to have a metabolism. I am going to curves as much as I can, my feet really hurt after my work outs but I have to hang in there because I love exercise. The last part of this process is seeing a therapist which I am doing several times a month. I think i will blog about that in a separate post.

So, although I am not blogging everything that enters my mouth I am tracking it else where. I am not even close to giving up this fight. This is the year for change, whether it happens on weight watchers, or through surgery...this is it!